i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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