my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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