I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if only i could text you this smell
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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