i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
