obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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