Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
