Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize