the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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