I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
