just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
