bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
