we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
