Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
