I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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