Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
