Do you still have your period?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
