i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
