Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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