do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
