oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
