I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize