Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
