here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
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