My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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