so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
