Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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