Your face is a jimmy john
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
