Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize