I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
