I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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