Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
