When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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