Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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