I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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