His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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