Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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