Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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