hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He passed out mid-signature
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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