I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
