So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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