Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
