My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
