It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
