I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
