My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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