oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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