I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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