"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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