My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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