time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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