you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
