Apparently you make a good broom.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
