ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
