If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
