Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I stole a fireplace last night.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
